do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
