Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
