I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
