the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
