Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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