I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
