You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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