She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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