Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
