just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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