You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
