Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
