My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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