Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
