You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
