I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
