Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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