She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
