She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
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I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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