I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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i think my cat just said my name.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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