I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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