i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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