Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you win again, gameday.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
