It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
