turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
