Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
