From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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