I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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