His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
