my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
