I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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