i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
