He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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