I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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