I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I am one with the molecules
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
