i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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