I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She bit a glass in half.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
