Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
