If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
