Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
