I forgot how hot balto sounded
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
