I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
