i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
