im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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