He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
