We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
