3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
