why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
