Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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