its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
