update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize