nut hugger
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
