I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
