I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
